If you happen to have set
yourself on fire,
do not run

If you are sprayed with an
unknown substance, stand
and think about a cool
design for a new  tattoo

Absorb as much radiation as you can
with your groin area. After 5 mins, 12
seconds you may become sterile

A one-inch thick piece of plywood
should be sufficient protection
against radiation.

If you hear Backstreet Boys,
Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio,
cower in the corner or run like hell.

Always remember to carry
food with you during a terrorist
attack.  At least you'll be able to
enjoy a nice coke and apple
before you die.

If a door is closed, karate
chop it open

Be on the lookout for terrorists with
a pink eye and leprosy. Also, they
tend to rub their hands together
manically.

If you lose a contact lens during a
chemical attack, do not stop to
look for it.

If you are trapped under falling
debris, conserve oxygen by
not farting.

If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin
it against the wall with your
shoulder

If your lungs and stomach start
talking, stand with your arms
akimbo until they stop.

Do not drive a station wagon
if a power pole is protruding
from the hood

  Hurricanes, animal corpses
and your potential new tattoo
have a lot in common. 
Think about it. 

After exposure to radiation you may
have mutated to a gigantic size:
watch your head.